The Machinist

TLDR Version

• Cinematography 4.5/5
• Scripting 4.5/5
• Performance Within Genre (Psychological Thriller) 5/5
• Acting 5/5
• Story 4/5

Overall 4.6/5

I actually wanted to use “Psychological Thriller/OMGWTFSAVEMEJESUS” as the genre, but it had line wrapping issues. The first thing you’ll notice in “The Machinist” is that the lead character, played by Christian Bale, is disturbingly thin. I normally picture Christian Bale as, you know, Batman. Batman is big, buff and ass-kicking. Bale’s character in “The Machinist” is scrawny, sleep-deprived and can barely muster the strength to hold his body up. Of course, Christian Bale does a fantastic job in this role. Although I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t slept for a year, if I did, I bet they’d be something like Bale’s character.

“The Machinist” takes us into the warped mind of this insomniac. Everything we see is from his perspective; everything he sees, we see. And, because he hasn’t slept for a year, not everything he sees is actually there.

The story takes a twisted and winding path of discovery and miserable revelation. “Miserable” because most of the things you discover are not joyous (and are, in fact, miserable). Christian Bale does an exceptional job in this and is supported by a solid cast.

Unless you are so horrified by Christian Bale looking like an anorexic teenager that you are physically incapable of sitting on a couch for two hours, “The Machinist” is a movie that is definitely worth your time.

A Note On TLDR

I want it to be known that the TLDR (“Too Long, Didn’t Read” you stupid noob) versions of my reviews are too be taken with a grain of salt. Specifically: the categories and numbers are largely arbitrary and have only a loose foundation in reality.

I make an effort to provide a useful “Overall” score, and some of the categories are important. Just remember that the real review is in the long version of the text.

I guess if you’re too lazy to read a full review you deserve to be misled anyway. Noob.

Guacamole Burger

TLDR Version

• Tastiness 3/5
• Ease Of Eating 2/5
• Health Value 1.5/5

Overall 2.2/5

I should begin by saying that this review cannot possibly apply to all guacamole burgers in the world. Naturally, some are better than others. However, I cannot imagine a guacamole burger that comes close to competing with a bacon cheeseburger.

The theory behind guacamole burgers is that guacamole and burgers are delicious, so when put together they should be extra delicious. In theory it makes perfect sense. In practice, however, guacamole burgers are just gooey messes.

The taste isn’t too bad — that much of the theory actually holds. The problem is that it seems impossible to keep the guacamole in the burger. When I first picked up mine, I had about a tablespoon of green goop plop out onto my hands. That’s just gross. By the time I finished my burger, it had lost about half of its weight in guacamole. Most of that guacamole, by the way, ended up on me somehow.

Another problem with the guacamole burger is that it’s downright unhealthy. Of course, no one eats a burger with the expectation that it’ll be healthy, but guacamole burgers take it to the extreme. Guacamole has a high fat content because it’s often made with sour cream. Add that to all the nasty stuff already in a burger and you’ve got yourself a sandwich-sized heart attack.

In the end, the guacamole burger would be an OK choice if it were possible to eat one without having to shovel a pound of guacamole off your lap and then drive to the hospital for a heart bypass.

Numb

TLDR Version

• Cinematography 4.5/5
• Scripting 3.5/5
• Performance Within Genre (Comedy/Drama) 4/5
• Acting 3.5/5
• Story 3.5/5

Overall 3.8/5

In “Numb,” Matthew Perry takes on a new role. By new role I mean, of course, not the role he played on Friends. In “Numb” he’s a guy with a very peculiar psychological disorder that makes him feel disassociated with the world around him — as though everything is a dream. Much of the plot is a boy-meets-girl, boy-falls-in-love-with-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-chases-after-girl story. The girl he falls in love with has some interesting issues of her own, which, apparently, makes her the perfect match for Matthew Perry’s character.

My major beef with the film is that Matthew Perry often appears too normal. He sometimes seems, as I would expect, detached from the world. But sometimes he seems like a perfectly normal person. I can’t tell if this is Perry’s fault, the scripter’s fault or if maybe it’s actually intentional. In any case, I got the feeling that Perry’s psychological disorder was pretty unimportant to the film. If you take away his disorder, you’re just left with a generic romantic drama movie.

Nevertheless, when Perry’s character is behaving like he’s actually detached from the world, there are a few intensely (and amusingly) awkward moments. All in all, you won’t regret it if you don’t see “Numb,” but you won’t regret seeing it either.

Call of Duty 4

TLDR Version

• Graphics 5/5
• Gameplay 5/5
• Audio 5/5
• Replayability 4/5
• Multiplayer 5/5

Overall 4.8/5

I quite firmly believe that COD 4 is the best FPS of 2007. Sure, Crysis has better graphics, and more freedom, but COD has the most intense fights of any game I’ve ever played. In Crysis it’s easy to get lost in the micromanagement of which special ability you should be using. In COD, life is simple: point and shoot.

The COD 4 single-player campaign can be played at any of four difficulty levels. I played the game through on the second highest difficulty (Hardened), then again on the highest difficulty (Veteran). I have to admit, certain missions are nigh impossible in Veteran mode. I spent a couple hours trying to force my way down just a couple hallways in the final missions of the game.

Nevertheless, the single-player campaign is one of the best of any game I’ve ever played. There’s a story that you actually care about enough to pay attention to, graphics that are pretty enough to keep you absorbed, and fights so intense your hands will be shaking. But the single-player campaign isn’t the reason to get COD 4. The game hardly begins until you start playing the multiplayer.

COD 4 multiplayer is a fresh take on the FPS multiplayer style of games like BF2142. You gain experience by killing enemies and completing objectives. With enough experience you can unlock new weapons and abilities. I won’t go further in-depth on the mechanics of COD 4 multiplayer because there are numerous articles on the subject already. However, I would like to make sure I mention that COD 4 multiplayer is really really fun. Human opponents are always more fun to fight against — and kill — than AI opponents, and they always provide an unpredictable combat experience.

In summary, if you like FPS games at all, COD 4 is well worth the money (or bandwidth if you’re a knavish pirate).