An Argument With a Jerk

I received a comment on my Zimbio review of Beijing 2008, which is in fact a copy of the one I posted here. The following is copy & pasted directly from the comments section:

Your full of shit , this game is the best olympic games since barcelona 1994 on megadrive, has so many events the control system using a ps2 pad with usb convertor works perectly , you just have to get used to control moethods of each event , theres tutorials that show you whats what, providing you find out your controlers keys it will work perfect,
the reviewer is a pc dweeb with no knowledge,

I was considerably irritated, and was actually about do delete it when I recalled this XKCD comic. So instead of deletion, his post received an overly long rebuttal, which I have provided here:

Let me begin by saying that I don’t feel compelled to respond to your comment because it contains a cogent argument; indeed, your so-called “argument” is mostly a collection of baseless assertions that don’t cohere in any manner. Instead, I’m responding because I can’t stand people like you who will skim something I’ve taken the time to write, then write belligerent comments that are full of syntactical and grammatical errors.

So first let me explain what I mean by “baseless assertions.” You assert (correct me if I’m wrong) the following:
1. I am full of shit (I assume you meant your first word to be “you’re,” not “your”)
2. This game is the best Olympic game since “Barcelona 1994″

Your third clause, after your second comma, is incomprehensible, but a linguist friend of mind suggested the following:
3. Using a Playstation 2 Gamepad controller in conjunction with a USB converter will allow you to successfully play the game.
4. There are tutorials that explain the events
5. I am a “PC Dweeb”
6. I have no knowledge.

Let’s tackle assertion #1: I am full of shit. Actually, I am not full of shit. I assume you mean “full of shit” in the non-literal, colloquial sense. That is, you are declaring my review to have factual inaccuracies. You named no inaccuracies, though, so it may be that you think my *opinion* of the game is incorrect. You and I may subscribe to different philosophical systems, but I believe that an opinion *cannot be* incorrect. I am entitled to think the game sucks, just as you are entitled to think it’s fun. Somehow though, you think it’s still okay to say I’m full of shit.

Assertion #2 is that this game is the “best Olympic games [sic] since Barcelona 1994.” Here I don’t disagree. I have no way to actually disagree with you here, because I haven’t ever played any other Olympic games. Ever. You will note, though, that nowhere in my review do I say it’s not the best Olympic game since “Barcelona 1994.” You will also note that the fact that it’s the best game in its genre does not necessarily make it a *good* game.

Your third argument is your most poorly formed, but perhaps your most powerful. You do not describe how using a PS2 controller effectively is in anyway related to my review. However, I’m willing to do the work for you. It could be that my bad experience playing the game was due entirely to the controller I was using: a wired Xbox 360 controller. This conclusion is doubtful but possible. I should mention though, that the Xbox controller WORKED just fine. There was no problem with the buttons; the problem was the speed with which you needed to press them.

Argument #4 can be responded to in a similar manner as above. Yes, there *are* tutorials in the game, but again, that was not the PROBLEM. I knew which buttons to press, the problem was that it’s almost physiologically impossible to move your hand fast enough. Thus arguments #3 and #4 are both possibly correct, but neither one is contrary to anything I said in my review.

Argument #5 returns to the pugnacity of argument #1. I was tempted to disregard this assertion on the grounds that it is entirely irrelevant to your argument; in fact, it’s relevant to MY argument. In the second paragraph of my review, I mention that I played this game on PC. From then on, I assumed that an intelligent reader (clearly not you) would know that my review was germane only to the PC release. Even if you’re somehow intellectually impaired, I thought that this would be self-evident from the fact that my review was posted to the “PC Games” online magazine. Indeed, I have NO idea how fun this game is on consoles, because I’ve never PLAYED the console versions.

I was also tempted to disregard argument #6 (that I have no knowledge), but I felt that I should defend my intellect. I do, actually, have SOME knowledge. Knowledge is difficult to quantify, as evidenced by the plethora of standardized exams our students have to take, but I can offer incontrovertible proof that I do, in fact, know something: I am writing in the English language. I assert that it requires KNOWLEDGE to speak or write in a language. My expertise in neuroscience is admittedly limited, but I believe this to be true.

In closing, I hope you will begin to use that thing that’s attached to your neck and isn’t your torso. If not, you might as well do the rest of us a favor and remove it.